The Portal Conundrum
by Darkly Dreaming
Summary: Penny accidentally falls through a portal and ends up on a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean. Will a familiar face be able to help her get home?
1. Prologue

A/N: As you may have noticed, we in the Shenny fandom have a tentative tradition to write something for International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Before now, I hadn't participated because I'm really bad at original settings and just writing in general. But for this story, I have set aside my shame and have blatantly stolen settings from Once Upon a Time so much so that I could validly classify this as a crossover. However, I won't do that, because it will be more visible if it's just labelled TBBT Shenny. For some reason, my other fanfiction isn't nearly as popular. *shrugs* Go figure.

Anywho, Risknight asked (read: badgered) me to write something for ITLaPD and I legit had no idea what to write. But then I decided to combine my two fanfic obsessions: Shenny and Captain Swan. So this is basically Shenny written as though they were Captain Swan and I have no shame in admitting that I'm blatantly ripping off the Jolly Roger for Sheldon's ship.

I didn't mean for this to become a full blown multichaptered adventure, but when a story is this easy to write I can't deny it it's due diligence. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

* * *

Penny knocked on Sheldon's office door at CalTech and frowned when there was no answer. Unsure where else he would be, she made her way to Leonard's lab; she could ask him.

Before she could even knock, she heard Leoanard and Sheldon arguing loudly over whether or not they needed to tighten or loosen a screw.

 _Tighten, definitely. You both have a few screws loose, if you ask me,_ she thought.

The lab door was open so she just knocked on the doorframe to announce her presence, but it startled the two scientists and Leonard's hand slipped. It scraped across the device they were working on and jarred the debated screw completely free. The device started beeping and vibrated a slight pattern until a green blob oozed out one end and puddled on the floor at Penny's feet. She was about to cringe at the goo on her shoes, but never had the chance; she fell through the puddle as though it were a cartoon hole someone had slipped beneath her.

A strangled screech was the last Sheldon and Leonard heard.

"PENNY!" they both screamed, wide-eyed. They rounded the table on opposite sides and met up again right as the green puddle disappeared. It was like it drained down a tiny hole very quickly.

"Sheldon, I swear to god, if you say 'Well at least it worked,' I will literally kill you."

Sheldon gave Leonard a broken look. "Leonard. Penny is gone and we have no way of knowing where, or if she is even able to return. Or if she's even _alive!_ This is a disaster! It most definitely did _not_ work as planned."

"Well, maybe if we can actually get it to work we can find her," Leonard offered, both to placate Sheldon and as hope for himself.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: And here's where the story really begins.

* * *

Penny landed on her feet, but wasn't expecting it and she buckeld to the floor.

The wooden floor.

And not even a stained hardwood floor like in her parents' refurbished bedroom. It was the kind of unfinished wood that was well-worn, aged and softened by thousands of footsteps. It creaked when she tried to right herself, like there was no foundation underneath it.

 _So not the ground floor of CalTech. I didn't just fall through the floor. Where the hell am I?_ she wondered. _I landed on my ass, not my head, so this isn't a dream. The fuck were they trying to do with that machine?_

She was in a small room made entirely of the same wood as the floor, and instead of a door there was a small ladder built into the wall that led to a trapdoor in the ceiling. Her first thought was that she was in some kind of dungeon, but that didn't make much sense; dungeons were usually stone and dank, not...oddly comforting wood. Then she looked around the room itself and found a small bed attached to another wall with drawers underneath. The middle of the room was dominated by a table and chair that were both nailed to the floor. There was a map on the table, held in place by a fist-sized rock and a ship in a bottle. It reminded her of a treasure map.

Penny rubbed her butt where she landed and went to the tiny window adjacent to the bed. When she saw the view she gasped.

It was a beautiful view of the ocean with what looked like land in the distance.

Penny felt her stomach drop but refused to believe what she was seeing. She crossed the small room and climed the ladder that was almost like a vertical staircase and opened the hatch.

The bright sunlight made her squint; when her eyes adjusted she was face-to-chest with a man's semi-visible chest. The chest led up to a long neck and a familiar face: Sheldon's face.

Penny gasped again, but not because of the view.

Sheldon had grabbed her by the throat and shoved her against the wall.

Their noses almost touching, he growled, "Who are you and how did you get onto my ship? And why were you in my cabin? No one is allowed in my cabin."

"Shel...don," she choked out. Startled by his given name on this strange woman's lips, he let her go; she gasped for breath and continued.

"Sheldon, what the hell? Where are we?" She noticed his clothes now and had to stop her thoughts in their tracks. The black linen shirt had a deep v-neck, hence the chest hair on display, and his leather pants were tighter than any of his chinos had ever been. Her eyebrow raised in appreciation before she could rally herself again. "And why are you dressed like the Dread Pirate Roberts? I didn't even think you liked the Princess Bride."

She reached for him and he grabbed her wrist and twisted until she was pressed into the wall, arm up her back. Panic flowed through her; this was not her Sheldon.

"I'll ask you again," he whispered into her ear, sending shivers down her left side. "Who are you? How did you get onto my ship? Why were you in my cabin? And how do you know my name?"

Penny decided not to fight him for the moment and just answer his questions.

"My name is Penny. I fell through what had to'a been a portal my friends made by accident, your cabin's just where I ended up. And you look exactly like one of my friends who made the hole I fell through."

The angle from which Penny could see pirate-Sheldon's face was awkward, but even from there she could tell his brain was crunching the information she gave him.

"A portal?" he asked in confirmation.

Penny nodded. "Had to be. Big green hole in the ground, and suddenly I'm falling through your ceiling."

He let her go after another moment, deciding she was telling the truth. He nodded, mostly to himself.

"As you have guessed, my name is Sheldon. However, not many people know that. To the general public I am known simply as Cooper, Captain of The Enterprise." He quirked an eyebrow and a glint of amusement flashed in his eyes, though he didn't smile. "You may not believe it, but 'Sheldon' doesn't really strike fear in the hearts of one's enemies."

Penny snorted. "Well, you could always call yourself 'Sheldor the Conqueror.'"

Sheldon's other eyebrow joined it's twin. "You know, that's not half bad. Too bad I don't do much conquering." A slight glint and a ghost of a smirk. "I could easily change that."

This man who both was and was not Sheldon Cooper looked her up and down, taking note of everything. She suddenly felt awkward in her cut-off shorts, tank top, and flip flops.

"Come back into my cabin, Penny. We'll discuss this more in relative comfort."


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: I've got about half of this story written as of right now (I'm working on chapter 10) so I figure I'm good to post one more chapter of exposition. ;)

* * *

They descended the ladder; he settled in his chair and she sat on the edge of the bed nearest him. Her leg twitched as she thought about resting her feet on the table but thought against it. If this Sheldon were anything like _her_ Sheldon he'd probably go ballistic.

"So you arrived here via a portal?" he asked as a way to start their conversation.

"Yeah," she said. "My friends are physicists. They're paid to think about the universe and how it works. I guess they were trying to build some kind of machine, but I knocked on the door and startled them and Leonard's hand slipped and knocked a screw loose and it kind of oozed this green goo all over the floor, and I just...fell through it, like a hole just opened up and swallowed me. I don't know how that was possible, or even if that's what they were trying to do." She shrugged, but inside she was starting to feel fear. What if she could never get back? Her thoughts were interrupted by Sheldon.

"Leonard, you say?" He looked intrigued. "Leonard is the name of my first mate. And you said I looked exactlly like a man named Sheldon from where you come. This is very interesting indeed." He scratched at his light stubble and tilted his head slightly in thought. "You've definitely come through a portal from a different realm, I could tell as much from your clothes alone, not to mention the fact that we're on the open water. But you say it was a machine that created your portal, not magic?"

Penny was dumbstruck for a moment. Did the word magic just seriously slip through Sheldon Cooper's lips?

"Uh, no, not magic," she said a little condescendingly. "There's no such thing as magic, Moonpie." She'd forgotten for a second that it wasn't her Sheldon she was talking to and the nickname slipped out.

"So no magic in your realm," he said, completely ignoring her use of Moonpie. She was surprised to feel disappointed by the lack of a reprimand. "That's not a problem. You don't necessarily need magic to make a portal, though there are more options for travel between magical realms." Sheldon seemed to be mostly talking to himslef now. "If we could, perhaps, find a magic bean, then it would be as easy as sailing with the wind. The trouble is finding one.

"Then again, we could always ask the fairies for help," he said, his attention once again on her. "You seem a nice enough woman, though it's hardly been long enough for me to get a good idea of your character. Your clothing choice is on the racy side, but that doesn't necessarily reflect your person. The fairies would likely help a young woman in distress."

 _Fairies? Magic? Where the hell did I end up?_ she thought, incredulous. _We're definitely not in Nebraska anymore, Penny. Or California, for that matter.  
_

"So...are you saying you'll try to help me get home?" she asked nervously. If magic was real, and portals were really that easy to make, she might be home before the guys even had a chance to file a missing persons report. _Or call my parents_. She shuddered. Sheldon was talking again.

"Of course. I may be a pirate, but I'm also a gentleman, and a gentleman always helps a damsel in distress. And I don't have any particularly pressing business at this time."

Penny broke into a grin and threw her arms around him, forgetting she was a stranger to him. "Thank you, Sheldon!"

Surprised, Sheldon patted her back and said, "There, there. You're welcome."

He quickly put her from him and cleared his throat. "Come. Let me introduce you to the crew. We have to return to land in order to contact the fairies; if that avenue fails, we'll need to start our search for a magic bean or other means of creating a portal, both of which are best started in town."


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: Many of you are anxious to meet the crew. Well, I didn't wanna just fill the ship with familiar faces, you'll see a couple. I want you to keep in mind that these men respect their captain and only fear him as much as a peon _should_ fear his superior officer. Respect and loyalty go a long way, even with pirates.

* * *

Sheldon led her back up the ladder and up to the main deck. Leonard, always on the lookout for their captain, spotted him and shouted "Captain on deck!"

"That's Leonard Hofstadter, my first mate," Sheldon muttered to her without turning his head. "Perchance does he look anything like your Leonard?"

Penny stared at this Leonard. He shared many traits with her Leonard. If they had lived the same life, they would be identical. However, this Leonard was much more haggard; he'd lived a harder life.

"Yeah," was all Penny said.

"Interesting."

The crew lined up single-file. One stepped on a loose floorboard and tripped.

"Mr. Hofstadter!" Sheldon yelled.

He jogged up to him and saluted. "Yes, Captain?" He spared a glance at Penny, but his attention was on his captain.

Head held high, shoulders pulled back, arms crossed at the wrists behind him, Sheldon looked down his nose at his first mate. "What did Mr. Thompson just trip on?"

Leonard's face didn't waver, but his shoulders tensed. "Loose plank, sir."

"I thought I told you to fix that board, Mr. Hofstadter."

"The port didn't have any boards of that size, sir."

"Tut. Mr. Hofstadter, in that case you should have found one larger and cut it to fit. Not to worry, though. You will have another chance soon. We stop at the next port.

"Gentlemen, this is Lady Penny. She fell through a portal in her realm and landed on my ship. She is in need of assistance and so we will help her find a portal home. You _will_ treat her with the utmost respect while she is in our care. You do _not_ touch her without her permission; you do _not_ talk to her as though she were a wench; you do _not_ disrespect her. If you do and I hear about it you _will_ be punished severely. Back to work!"

He caught Leonard's eye and gestured for him to come closer. "Mr. Hofstadter, could we perhaps find some better clothes for Lady Penny?"

Leonard nodded enthusiastically, glad to not be reprimanded for the loose plank. "Of course, Captain, I'll see what I can find."

When Leonard had gone, Sheldon held out his arm for her. "Let me show you the Enterprise, Lady Penny."

Penny, to her credit, stared for barely two seconds before she took his elbow. _Wow._ So _not my Sheldon._

"You don't have to call me Lady Penny, you know? Just Penny is fine."

"Nonsense," he said. "It will help the crew to remember to respect you if they view you as high-born, even if you don't...quite dress like it. Hopefully Mr. Hofstadter can find something more suitable for the sea than your current attire."

Penny felt her natural ire and annoyance bubble to the surface, once more forgetting that this wasn't her Sheldon with whom she was starting an argument. "And just what is wrong with how I dress?"

Sheldon quirked an eyebrow at her and scanned her entire person again. It sent chills down Penny's spine, the focus behind his gaze. If he's anything like her Sheldon, he's commited every little detail to memory already. Again, she was reminded that this wasn't her Sheldon. His eyes were calculating and an air of confidence surrounded him, but something was missing and she couldn't put her finger on it.

"Your blouse isn't very modest; you'll surely be sunburned if you're not careful. Your trousers, while undoubtedly cooler than conventional trousers, also leave you vulnerable to the elements. In addition, the extra skin you have exposed will most assuredly distract my crewmen, and if they are distracted, they do not work at optimal capacity. If they do not work to optimal capacity, you do not get home in a timely manner."

"Do you have a photographic memory?" she blurted.

Her question caught him off guard. "Photographic? I do not know what that means."

"Like, when you learn something you never forget it. Like you remember every little detail since you were a little kid," she explained. Of course they wouldn't have photographs, so he wouldn't know what photographic meant.

"Indeed I do," he nodded. "Does your Sheldon also have this...photographic memory?"

"Yeah," she smiled. "He can tell you what he had for breakfast on this day twenty years ago."

"Porridge, with a pinch of cinammon from a stick my mother was able to find for a bargain two days before," he said.

"Just like that," she laughed. She was glad that she landed on Sheldon Cooper's pirate ship. At least there was some familiar element, even if some things were necessarily different.


	5. Chapter 4

A/N: If anything doesn't line up with OUAT lore, just pretend I meant it to be different on purpose. ;) I go back to work tomorrow, so this will be the last chapter for a couple days. (Someone remind me to delete these author's notes when I've completed this.)

* * *

After touring the Enterprise - which still had Penny laughing in her head - they retired once more to Sheldon's cabin. He waived his 'no one is allowed in my cabin' rule for her, and they brought in another chair from the hold below deck so she could sit in a spot that wasn't his.

"So you say magic is real here?" Penny was infinitely curious about magic, especially if it could get her home.

"Indeed," Sheldon answered as he poured her a cup of rum. "Magic is pervasive, but not practiced by many. All magic comes with a price and only so many are willing to pay it. Those humans who do are not typically good people, though there is the occasional magical child born of True Love. They are the only beings born able to produce magic innately."

"True Love?" she asked. "Really? That can make a person magical from birth?"

"Oh yes. True Love is the most powerful magic of all, but also the most rare," he explained. "It exists, but only the very lucky ever find it. Perhaps only one or two couples per century."

Penny took a sip of her rum and almost choked. It was much stronger than the rum to which she was accustomed, which was saying something. She noticed, unsurprisingly, that Sheldon stuck with water. Some thing didn't change, even across dimensions.

"Sounds too good to be true," Penny said. "And about these fairies we're looking for? You said they might help me because I'm nice?"

"The fairies are selective of who they help, yes," he took a sip from his cup. "They are very protective of magic and only use it for good. I am certain they will help you if it is within their power."

His words were at odds with his actions on deck earlier and it was making Penny's head spin. There was so much more to this man than she expected and it made her wonder what aspects of her Sheldon she wasn't privy to.

"Thank you for helping me," she said, unable to keep up the disconcerting eyecontact. His eyes were so blue and piercing she felt his gaze even when she wasn't looking at him.

"Piracy demands a certain amount of ruthless command," he said, finally ceasing his stare. His cheeks flushed just the slightest bit. "But my mother raised a gentleman where the fairer sex is concerned. She would most certainly whip me into your own realm herself if I didn't offer what assistance I could."

Penny smiled, knowing exactly what he was talking about. She'd met Mary Cooper before and had used her to control Sheldon's actions and make him apologize when he refused her.

There was a knock outside the hatch and Leonard appeared feet first holding a mound of clothing.

"Lady Penny," he bowed his head slightly and she repressed a giggle. "I didn't know what would fit you, so I just grabbed a bunch of different things and I thought you could try them on and maybe find something you like?" He shrugged and looked over her shoulder at Sheldon, who gestured to lay the clothing on the bed.

"That's fine, Mr. Hofstadter, you may go now," Sheldon dismissed him. When the hatch had closed once more Sheldon himself stood and inclined his head toward her in a show of respect. "You may use my cabin to dress in privacy. If you shall need anything, I will be at the helm."

Penny started sifting through the garments and immediately threw the two dresses she found away. No way she was wearing a dress on a ship with a bunch of horny pirates. She hadn't seen Howard yet, but if he was on this ship she was wearing pants.

She finally found a pair of leather pants that weren't all that big; she just had to roll up the cuffs a couple times and secure them with a belt and bam, it was practically Halloween. Pirate Penny. She kept her bra on, but replaced her shirt with a flowy white blouse almost identical to Sheldon's black one, except this one tied closed in the front.

She wiggled her red-painted toes in her bright green flip flops and decided if they didn't have any boots that fit her she could live with these.


	6. Chapter 5

Penny passed Leonard on her way to the wheel and stopped him.

"Hey Leonard, do you know if you have any boots that might fit me?"

He squinted so hard Penny thought he might as well not be wearing glasses at all. _Poor guy's prescription's probably old as balls._

"Um. Maybe," he fidgeted and still hadn't made eye contact. "I'll um, see if any of the others have an extra pair. We didn't get any shoes when we took that last cargo ship."

"Oh. If you can't, it's no big deal, I can just wear these til we get somewhere I can buy some."

He just nodded and shuffled away.

When she turned the corner she spotted Sheldon behind the great big wheel, hands resting at ten and two, and she'd never seen him look so...relaxed. Even when he shouted the occasional order he wasn't angry; he was just making sure he was heard over the wind. It was so different from what she was used to. Here he was respected, and not just for his mind. He was respected as a man rather than ridiculed.

She could tell when he spotted her. His eyes widened just the slightest bit and his eyebrow twitched. She smiled and made her way over to him. As she neared, he turned his head back to the sea.

"Much better, if I may say," he said, his eyes never leaving the horizon. She didn't see the corner of his mouth quirk up for a moment. "When we dock you can look for a pair of boots that may fit. I doubt any of the men's will. Are those...shoes suitable in the interim?" He gestured to her feet.

"They're called flip flops, and yes, they'll do for now." _Hopefully I won't even need the boots and I'll be back before I can say "There's no place like home."_

Penny leaned against the rail next to the wheel and brushed her hair out of her face. "So. Should I call you 'Captain Cooper' too, or can I call you Sheldon?" The grin she gave him was brighter than the nearing sunset.

He smirked and looked at her from the corner of his eye. "In all honesty, Lady Penny, I would prefer you to refer to me as Captain, as I worked hard for the title, but in private you may call me Sheldon." He adjusted the wheel two notches to the left and yelled for a crewman to fetch Leonard.

He arrived a minute later empty handed and Penny was only slightly disappointed that she wouldn't have a pair of boots to wear.

"My apologies, Lady Penny," he said, head bowed. "None of the men had any extra pairs of boots that wouldn't be like dinghies to your feet."

"It's okay, sweetie, I can wear these. Thanks for looking anyway."

Sheldon's eye twitched, but both missed it. "Mr. Hofstadter, we sail for the Misthaven Port. I have set us on course. Make sure she doesn't stray."

"Aye, Captain."

Sheldon offered Penny his elbow again and led her back down the short staircase and back up to the bow.

"If I may, Lady Penny," he started. "I would not advise being so...free with your affections with the crew, and Mr. Hofstadter in particular. I believe you are simply being polite, but the men may see it as...more."

Something clicked in her brain and the last few years flashed by her. "That makes so much sense."

Sheldon's brow furrowed. "How so?"

Penny hesitated, unsure whether to voice her newfound epiphany. After a moment she decided it couldn't hurt. This wasn't her Sheldon, that wasn't her Leonard. Obviously they could provide some perspective for her.

"Back in my...realm," she started. "My Leonard and Sheldon are roommates, and I live in the same big apartment building as they do, but everyone has their own..quarters, with a bathroom and bedroom and kitchen and stuff. Well, when I first moved in across the hall from them, Leonard noticed me and asked me if I wanted to eat with them. I got the impression that Sheldon wouldn't have even looked at me once, let alone twice, if it weren't for Leonard.

"Long story short, I wanted to be with a nice guy instead of the...cavemen I'd dated before. I got real used to Leonard being around, and when he and you - I mean my Sheldon - went to the North Pole for some kind of expedition you - they - were gone for three months. And you know what they say. Absence makes the heart grow fonder." She shrugged, as if that were the end of the story.

Sheldon's eye twitched again, slightly. "You were...intimate with him, this other version of Mr. Hofstadter?"

She nodded. "For quite a while, until someone pointed out that we were all wrong for each other. Now I'm only just realizing exactly how wrong for each other we are."

That ubiquitous eyebrow of his rose again. "My alternate self did not advise against your union? If your Leonard is anything like my first mate, then he is not worthy of your attentions." He ducked his head to hide his slight blush, but he was too tall for it to be a viable tactic.

Penny smiled at his sudden shyness. "No, Sheldon never said anything to me. At least, nothing I listened to. You may find this hard to believe, but I'm a very stubborn woman."

Sheldon looked at her through his eyelashes and her heart skipped a beat. It was like she were seeing him in _the suit_ again.

"Assuming the alternate me is as well-educated as I, you should never disregard anything he says without reason."

Penny's smile was flirty purely out of habit. "Well, I'll try to remember that for the future," she giggled.

Sheldon pursed his lips in an attempt to hide his returning smile and Penny thought it was the most adorable pout she'd ever seen.

 _Careful, Penny,_ she thought. _Can't get too close to this one. He's not my Sheldon, but that'll just make things awkward when I get home._


	7. Chapter 6

A/N: It's a short one, but I have the next three days off, so hopefully I can get it finished before Saturday. ;)

* * *

The sun was setting and Penny wondered where she would sleep.

"In here, of course," he said when she brought it up over dinner in his cabin. Dinner consisted of a pretty bland stew, but it wasn't terrible. "I can have a hammock hung from the ceiling."

Penny didn't even question whether she'd be the one sleeping in the hammock. This is the same man who ousted her from her own bed because he was too tall to fit on her couch.

However, she was once again reminded that this was _not_ the same man.

"You may have the bed, but I refuse to sleep with the rest of the crew," he said, the corners of his eyes crinkling in amusement. "They snore heavily."

Penny nodded in understanding. "I half expected you to give me the hammock. My Sheldon would insist on keeping the bed for proper back support."

Sheldon shook his head. "I find that hard to believe, but many things about your realm baffle me."

When they had finished eating, he left her to change into a night gown that had been in the pile of clothing Leonard had found.

Penny waited on the deck while Sheldon changed. When he joined her he was wearing only a pair of off-white linen trousers with a drawstring and forwent a shirt in deference to the humidity. She'd seen her Sheldon shirtless before, but he had been sick and pale. This version wasn't darkly tanned, but he was far from pale, and years at sea had hardened and toned his body. It was hard to look away.

 _Down, girl_.

She tore her gaze from his chest and returned it to the sky. "Your stars are different from mine. I guess I really am in a different realm."

Sheldon stared at the blonde enigma before him and before he could stop himself said, "The stars don't hold a candle to you." He wrenched his eyes away and followed hers to the heavens. "Apologies, Lady Penny. But...anyone can see that you are aesthetically pleasing." The darkness did a decent job at hiding his blush.

He spent the next hour naming the stars and their constellations for her.

Some time spent in comfortable silence later, Sheldon got to his feet and offered her his hand. "We should sleep. It's an early life out on the sea."

He let her descend the ladder first and grabbed a pillow and a thin blanket for his hammock. When Penny was settled on the bed he snuffed out the lantern and settled himself.

"Goodnight, Lady Penny."

"Goodnight, Captain Cooper."


	8. Chapter 7

A/N: I feel bad for posting such a short chapter. Here, have another.

* * *

Penny was still asleep when Sheldon woke with the sun and, try as he might, he could not wake her. At one point she barely missed his throat with a fist, which was more a testament to his agility than her aim, so he let her sleep and changed with his back to her.

A few hours later she emerged from his cabin fully dressed, hair only slightly messy from combing her fingers through it.

"What do you guys do to wake up around here?" was her first groggy question. "In my world we have a drink called coffee, you got anything like that?"

Sheldon looked her up and down. "Koothrappali is our cook. He may be able to fix you a cup of tea, but I know not what coffee is."

"Oh boy," she said. "Coffee is like tea, but like a hundred times stronger and made from a bean instead of a leaf. It's basically the only thing close to magic my world has."

She'd filled him in on her versions of their friends the previous day. Sheldon couldn't believe how long it took them to figure out that alcohol allowed Rajesh to speak in the presence of women. Mr. Koothrappali always had a flask on his person for just that purpose.

Penny felt a little better after her tea, but it wasn't nearly as good as coffee. She wished she could have a shower and cleaned her teeth with her finger. Rajesh gave her a mint leaf to chew on and she accepted it with a smile.

She once more joined the captain at the helm, simply watching him work. He was still a genius, he just didn't have the formal teachings of physics and complicated mathematics from her techologically advanced world. As a result of that, he was as well educated as he could be in everything he did. Sailing, knots, navigation, even repairs. If there was any problem that needed solving, Captain Sheldon Cooper was the man to ask. If there was a task that no one else could do, the Captain could teach you how to do it on your own.

"Lady Penny," Sheldon called to her. She had been leaning on her elbows against the rail, staring into the horizon, and she turned to him. "If I may request your presence at the helm?"

Penny smiled. She wasn't sure if she'd ever get used to Sheldon talking like that. She hoped she didn't have to. As interesting as this realm was, he wasn't her Sheldon and she wanted to go home as soon as possible.

"Yes, Captain?" she grinned, feeling cheeky despite her homesickness.

He smiled briefly at her use of his title, hands clasped behind his straight back, and Penny realized it was the first real smile she'd seen from him. She liked it.

"Lady Penny, would you like to learn how to sail?"

Penny bit her lip and relived flashbacks to a warm summer evening in ancient Greece. "That depends. Do I have to take notes and raise my hand if I have a question?"

Sheldon tried to purse his lips to hide his smile, but it didn't quite work this time and his eyes sparkled in amusement. "No, Penny, you don't have to take notes, nor do you need to raise your hand if you have a question."

She sighed in relief and nodded. "Sure, Sheldon. I'd love to learn how to sail."

He took her elbow and guided her to the wheel and placed her hands at ten and two, standing behind her.

"From this direction, forward is the bow, back is the stern, left is port, and right is starboard, aye?"

"Bow, stern, port, starboard," she confirmed with a nod and a giggle. "Aye, Captain."

"Turn the wheel two notches to starboard. You can guide it by the railing if you need to; I use the mast, which is why I stand in the center, rather than to the side as other sailors, but it's a personal choice."

Penny used the rail in front of her as a guide and turned the wheel two notches to the right. "Good?"

His eyes crinkled and a corner of his mouth lifted. "Aye."

Penny had never seen Sheldon's face so carefree and relaxed and it took her breath away.

 _Maybe this place isn't so bad after all?_

They were so close she could smell the mint leaf on his breath. He took very good care of himself, for all that he was able. He smelled a little sweaty, but it was the kind of sweat a man earned, and fresh water on the high seas was a scarce commodity; it was that knowledge that kept her from asking for a bath. If Sheldon Cooper could go without one, she could too.

And Penny liked a man who earned his sweat.

The heady combination of pheromones and proximity coaxed her to lean toward him, eyes hooded. This Sheldon caught on quick and he licked his lips in anticipation.

Then the breakfast bell clanged and the moment was broken.

Sheldon released her hands and stepped back, posture perfect once more, and cleared his throat.

"That will be Mr. Koothrappali signaling the first meal of the day."

Penny, to her credit, just shook her head and took his proffered elbow even as she contemplated her near-actions and their possible consequences. "Yeah, breakfast. Good."


	9. Chapter 8

Their breakfast consisted of crusty bread and some kind of fruit preserves, with more of Raj's tea, taken once more in Sheldon's cabin.

What Penny wouldn't give for some french toast and coffee.

A knock from above and Rajesh descended. He saw Penny and took his flask from his shirt and took a swig. "Captain."

"Mr. Koothrappali," Sheldon aknowledged. "What is it?"

"Thompson has spotted what looks like a merchant vessel approaching. It is not flying Misthaven colors, nor are they pirates. We could use a good stocking of some provisions. We're getting low on fresh water and I'm sure the lady would like a bath."

Sheldon nodded. "More fresh water would be nice. I would like to bathe as well before we dock. According to my calculations, we are another two days from Misthaven." He looked in Penny's direction in thought for a moment and nodded again. "I'll be up in a moment. We'll only take what we need; we can get the rest once we reach the port."

Penny felt something in her stomach and she wasn't sure she liked it.

When Rajesh left Sheldon rose from his chair and gathered their breakfast dishes. Penny followed.

"So," she said. "This is what you do? Pillage and plunder other ships for stuff?" She tried to phrase it as harmlessly as she could, given the subject matter, but piracy never sounded good.

His posture remained flawless, but something in his voice sounded almost defensive. "It is necessary, sometimes, to take what we need from others. Some say it's barbaric and horrid behavior, and I may have agreed with them once upon a time." His tone hardened and she was reminded of her prank war with her Shledon. _'You are messing with forces beyond your ken._ ' he had said then. Now he said, "Things change. People change. I cannot afford to think of others when my crew and our interests are at stake. You can trust me and my men to keep you safe, Lady Penny. The safety of others is the concern of others."

Penny didn't know what to say to that, so she kept quiet and followed him to the helm.

Sheldon kept a spyglass in a compartment built into the ship next to the wheel and he took it out.

"Thompson!" he shouted. "To the helm!"

Thompson, the young man who tripped over the loose plank the previous day, appeared at Sheldon's shoulder like a ghost. "Yes, Captain?"

"Where did you see the ship, sailor?"

"Starboard, sir. It would be about...west-southwest from us, northward bound. Not too quick that it would have anything too valuable, but not so slow that it had just come from a drop-off."

"Good. Return to your post," he dismissed the man and turned his spyglass to where Thompson had pointed. It took him a moment to find it, but when he did he smirked. "Excellent."

He turned back to Penny. "My lady, if you wish to remain in my cabin during the expedition, you may do so, but may I ask that you bring me my cutlass from my wardrobe? I must ready the men."

"Uh...sure, I guess." Penny really didn't want to just stay in the cabin, but she probably wouldn't be much good in a sword fight. She'd watched a lot of movies with sword fights, but she'd never even held one herself.

She'd seen his cutlass in its scabbard and easily found it again. On her way back out, she grabbed a length of rope and tied a lasso, just in case. _Never know when you'll need to go Junior Rodeo and hogtie a pirate. Geez, what even is my life? But I suppose it's good experience for my acting. We'll call it hands-on research._

Penny gave Sheldon his cutlass and he raised his eyebrow at her lasso.

"I'll try to stay out of the way, but I can defend myself if I need to," was all she said. He just nodded and grabbed a thin strip of leather out of his pocket.

"Hold your hair back," he said. "It wouldn't do for you to be captured or killed because of lack of visibility."

She did so and was surprised when he reached through her raised arms and tied the strip around her hair himself. She felt a little better about her hair, but still wished she had more than her flip flops in case she had to actually kick some butt.

"Alright, Moonpie, let's do this," she said, projecting an air of confidence she didn't quite feel. Practice makes perfect.

"Let's," he said. "But please don't call me Moonpie. I don't know what it means, but I don't think I like the sound of it."


	10. Chapter 9

"ATTEN-TION!" Captain Cooper yelled and everyone on deck lined up in two rows facing the wheel. "You have been appraised of the situation. We only take what we need, with minimal casualties if possible. Defend yourselves, but do not attack unprovoked. If they surrender, let them. Fresh water is our main goal, but leave them enough to make it to port safely. Any valuables you think you cannot live without are up to you, but once we get the water, we retreat. If your greed overcomes you, I will not wait for you. Are we clear?"

A resounding "Aye, Captain!" rang throughout the ship.

"To your stations, then, men! Ready the grapples and planks, but stay out of sight until the ship is within distance. Mr. Hofstadter, be ready to raise the colors when we board."

All the excitement was rubbing off on Penny and she felt herself smiling in spite of her misgivings. They'll leave the other ship with enough to live on and just take what they need, no big deal. As long as no one fights back, no one gets hurt.

Having donned a bright read wide-brimmed hat, Sheldon steered them toward the other ship and Leonard put their white flag on the line. The other sailors stayed hidden, except for the few that pulled on the rigging to change the sails' directions slightly to favor the wind. She decided she'd stay out of sight and out of the way for the most part, but she wasn't going to sit on her ass and do nothing if it looked like she could help.

When she could see the ship nearing, Leonard raised the white flag to just over half-mast and readied their pirate colors, a red sword through a white skull on a black background. Simple and elegant.

When they were board-and-board, Sheldon yelled "NOW!" Action erupted on deck as the pirates rushed to complete their tasks. Penny ducked behind a barrel and watched. From the other ship she heard someone yell "Pirates!"

Captain Cooper was the first to cross over, with about half the crew following him. His bright red hat immediately identified him as the captain and the sailors cowered when he drew his sword.

"Attention sailors!" he shouted. "No harm will come to you if you surrender peacefully. We will only take as much as we require. On my honor as Captain of the Enterprise, you will have enough provisions to make it to port, but if you follow us I will not hesitate to blow you out of the water!"

Penny heard murmuring from her spot behind the barrel and peeked over the edge to see.

Sheldon and Thompson had their swords drawn and pointed at what looked like the captain and his first mate, while the other six pirates searched the ship for supplies.

When the pirates were below deck, a single sailor, hidden behind a barrel much as Penny was, snuck out with a dagger and held a finger to his lips to quiet the crewmembers who saw him.

He was trying to sneak up on Sheldon!

Penny slipped off her flip flops and picked up her lasso. If her Sheldon could see her now, he'd say she was the embodiment of Wonder Woman wielding her Lasso of Truth, or something nerdy like that.

Silently, she ran to the railing and jumped up onto the gangplank, deliberately not thinking of the ocean beneath her. When she reached the other ship's rail the sailor saw her shadow and turned. Penny threw her lasso around the sailor's neck and pulled tight before he could get his hands up, causing him to fall forward. She was careful not to suffocate him or break his neck. She jumped down and used the rope to drag him slowly toward her.

"Only cowards sneak up on people," she said before she kicked him onto his back and hogtied him in ten seconds flat. "I could keep you like this and tie a string around your balls. They'd fall off after about a month." The sailor started crying and the men within earshot cringed. Penny nodded and took her foot off his chest but kept a tight hold on the rope.

"We good, Cap?" she asked Sheldon. He nodded without taking his eyes of the other ship's captain.

The pirates made short order of the supplies and were back on the Enterprise without further incident.

* * *

A/N: So I realized I've been referencing a lot of things (and I will continue to in the future) but I hadn't specified where this story fits. Turns out, it fits right after The Staircase Implementation and before The Lunar Excitation. So Bernadette, but no Amy. Just, y'know, if you wanted to know.

And I figured I'd upload a chapter ever time I finish writing another one.


	11. Chapter 10

A/N: Risknight was disappointed by the lack of plank-walking. Hopefully this makes up for it.

* * *

With everyone safely on the Enterprise once more they pulled the gangplanks and grapples back and directed the sails for the best wind. They were away within ten minutes, the other sailors still scrabbling to reclaim some dignity and audit their stores.

Thompson came up to her and bowed his sandy head. "Lady Penny, the one of the men found a pair of boots that may fit you."

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "That, uh, wasn't necessary, but uh...thanks, I guess." She tried them on and tried not to think of where they came from, or the previous owner's possible athlete's foot. They were about a half-size too big, but they were acceptable.

She followed Sheldon back to his cabin and saw him marking something on the map.

"I see the men managed to find you a pair of boots," he said. He set down his quill and looked at her feet. "They look about a half size too big. If you'd like, we can bandage your feet so they fit better."

 _So no socks here,_ she thought. _Not surprising. Probably don't have underwear, either._ She hid a smirk at that thought and barely stopped herself from thinking about it in conjunction with Captain Cooper. "That would be great, thanks."

Sheldon took a small knife and a roll of cloth from one of his drawers and gestured for her to take her boots off.

"Unfold your trousers and I'll cut them off to fit. We'll wrap the bandages around the bottoms so you can slip them on and off more easily."

Penny was slightly worried about such a sharp knife so close to her ankles, but she trusted Sheldon. Even this strange pirate version would never hurt her intentionally.

Her trust was rewarded when she could stand without tripping over her pant legs.

Next he had her sit on the bed while he pulled her chair closer and rested her foot on his knee.

It was probably the strangest experience for her so far. He was very gentle with her feet. He didn't wrap them too tightly, but neither did he wrap them so loose that they would fall off inside her boots.

"You were remarkable today," Sheldon murmured when he had finished and she'd replaced her boots. When she stood, he stood withher. His piercing gaze settled on her face, looking everywhere but her eyes.

Penny blushed and averted her own eyes. "Yeah, well...six years of junior rodeo and almost a whole life spent on a farm..." she trailed off.

"I must thank you," he said, taking her hand. "You may very well have saved my life today." He brought her hand up to his lips and pressed a lingering kiss to her knuckles.

"Oh!" Penny said, surprised by the action itself and her reaction to it. Her stomach was aflutter with butterflies and her face was hot with a blush. It was yet another unique experience for her. "It was...uh, it was nothing." She looked down at her knewly-booted feet.

"Nonsense," he insisted, grabbing her chin to bring her eyes up. The blue of his irises were as deep as the ocean that surrounded them and Penny felt herself falling, while simultaneously rising on her toes to be closer to him. "I always give credit where credit is due," he whispered against her lips and closed the remaining distance with the softest kiss Penny had ever experienced.

Unable to help herself, big ol' five that she was, she grabbed his shirt in one hand and his neck in another and pulled him ever closer. She had always held a slight attraction to her lanky neighbor, but this man was...something else. She found she didn't want to resist him at all and damn the consequences.

She had a sudden urge to find out if she was right about the underwear.

Before she could voyage below the belt, Sheldon pulled away.

 _Damn. His self control is insane._

"Would you like a bath, my lady?"

Her answering sigh was of both frustration and relief.

Messrs Hofstadter and Koothrappali set about preparing her bath and she took the time to question Sheldon some more up on deck in an attempt to cool herself down.

"So it's two more days to Misthaven?"

"Aye."

"And once we dock there, what then?"

"First," he said, turning his back to the rail and leaning against it. "We find a pair of horses. Then we ride to the forest and call for the fairies."

A niggling of doubt in her gut prompted her to ask. "And...if they can't help me?"

Sheldon exhaled loudly through his nose and inhaled deeply. "If, for whatever reason, the fairies are unable or unwilling to assist, we will pay a visit to an acquaintance of mine. He cannot perform much magic himself, but he dabbles in potions and magical objects. Perhaps he knows where we may find something that creates portals."

Her brow furrowed with worry she couldn't quite banish, she leaned against the railing next to him. "And you're sure we'll be able to find something? A bean, some other kind of spell or whatever?" She needed to hear Sheldon's confidence.

Sheldon put an arm around her shoulders and brought her close to his side, resting his stubbly chin on her blonde tresses. "Penny. I am one hundred percent certain you will be able to return to your own realm."

Feeling vulnerable, with her fears on her sleeve for the first time since she fell through the portal, she buried her face in his chest and clung to him. "Thank you, Sheldon."

He rubbed her back in soothing, counter-clockwise circles. "There, there. You're welcome. Now, come. I'm sure your bath is ready by now."


	12. Chapter 11

In the total three days she'd been at sea, Penny learned more than she ever wanted: how to tie most nautical knots, the basics of navigating by the stars, of this realm at least. She didn't remember a lot of the names for things, but she could do a lot of the day-to-day tasks that kept a ship sailing.

It was fun, and this Sheldon was a great teacher, but she was glad to see dry land on the afternoon of her third day.

"I don't think I'll ever get the salt out of my nose," she told Sheldon as they docked. "Or my hair."

The good Captain had loosened up a lot since meeting her and showed his emotions more easily now. He smiled and told her, "It isn't nearly as bad as you make it seem, Penny."

Penny smirked and glanced at him from the corner of her eye. "Maybe."

They hadn't shared any more physical moments since Sheldon's thank-you kiss, but there had been a plethora of moments like this one that were charged with sexual tension and something else neither wanted to acknowledge.

Their comfort level with each other was something Penny tried not to think about, even as she told him all about her life growing up.

"At least I don't have to teach you how to ride a horse," he said as he passed her on the dock.

Leonard had gone ahead before they'd even started tying the ship down in order to procure them horses.

Once they were on the road Penny sighed. "This is more like it. I missed riding."

Sheldon glanced at her and something in him softened as he smiled. "You look comfortable for the first time since I met you. Riding suits you much better than sailing."

Penny laughed. "You, on the other hand, look a little _un_ comfortable. Spent too much time on the water, if you ask me. Salt's made you stiff."

"I beg your pardon!" he cried, indignant. "There is nothing wrong with the way I ride. Good posture is important to a healthy bone structure. The way you slouch you'll have a hunchback before you reach forty."

"Ah!" she choked on the offense. "How dare you? I eat healthy...when I can afford to. And I take vitamin supplements regularly! I may have a hunchback by forty but I'll still be running in heels when you're walking with a stick, pirate!"

In her ire she kicked the horse a little harder than she intended and shot off. She could handle it just fine, but she didn't exactly know where she was going.

"Penny!" Sheldon yelled and hastened after her. "Penny, slow down! You don't know where you're going, wench!"

Unwilling to lose their sudden argument, she kept up the quickened pace and said over her shoulder, "Please! How hard can it be to find a forest? Go out of town and look for trees." She wasn't quite sure why but she didn't want to give in. She hadn't had a good argument in a while.

Sheldon merely growled and sped up, trailing closely behind. "If you don't slow your pace the horses will tire more quickly. That will extend our journey unduly and prevent you from returning to your own realm in a timely manner."

She slowed to a stop and caught his eye. He continued in a lower voice, "As much as I enjoy your company, I vowed that I would help you return. Let me do so."

They'd stopped at a fork in the road, both of which lead to the forest ahead. She turned back to him and sighed.

"Which way, Captain?"

Sheldon clenched his jaw at her address, sensing it was supposed to bite, and bowed his head. "Left, my lady. We need not venture deeply, but we must be completely surrounded by the forest."

"Lead on, then," she said with a sweeping gesture.

"As you wish," he replied. It struck a chord in her heart that she determinedly ignored.


	13. Chapter 12

As they entered the forest, all sounds became muffled. Penny felt that if she were to speak she'd have to shout to even hear herself. Sheldon quickly dispelled that thought.

"It isn't called the Enchanted Forest for nothing," he said softly. "The enchantments woven through the land throughout history press in and muffle most noises. The deepest parts of the forest are so heavily magicked they are incredibly unpredictable. My Meemaw used to tell me the trees at the heart of the forest were sentient and moved as though their roots were feet." He smiled fondly at the memory. "While it is certainly possible, I do not believe it to be true."

The trail was wide enough that they could ride abreast with plenty of room between, but their legs almost touched with how close they were.

They reached the clearing and tied their horses to a low branch. When they stood in the center of the clearing, shoulder to shoulder, Penny looked around.

"How do we call the fairies?" she asked.

Sheldon barely contained his need to fidget. "I'm...not exactly sure," he admitted. "I know they reside in the forest. Beyond that, I've never dealt with them personally."

"All you need to do is hold your wish in your heart, Captain, and we'll come."

Penny turned around at the ethereal voice and gasped. A tiny woman in a frilly blue dress hovered just above head height. _Oh my god it's like a blue Tinkerbell! Her dress is adorable!_

Sheldon placed his hand at the small of her back. "Ask her if she can help."

"Oh! Right. Um. Miss Fairy, I'm...not from this...realm," she explained. "I came here accidentally through a portal my friends made with technology. My world doesn't have magic, so it's not like they can just chant a spell and come find me. But Sheldon says maybe you can help me get home."

The blue fairy smiled a sad smile. "I am very sorry, Penny, but if you are sure your realm has no magic, then the fairies cannot help you. I have heard rumors of a pair of realm-traversing slippers, but a magic bean is the only sure way to travel between nonmagical realms without a curse."

Penny's heart sank. "And lemme guess: magic beans aren't exactly common, are they?"

"No," the blue fairy shook her head. "The giants were wiped out years ago, along with most of their crops. They still exist, but they are frugally hoarded and sold for a high price."

The hand on her back slid up and Sheldon wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"Thank you," he told the fairy.

"You're welcome, Captain," she said and disappeared in a flash of blue-white light.

Sheldon drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I had hoped the fairies would be able to help, but I may know someone who can get us a bean." The scowl present on his face indicated just how loathe he was to call upon this person. "Come. The journey can wait until tomorrow. For now, we return to the ship."

Penny didn't sleep well that night and woke before Sheldon. Unsure what she could do until they left, she cleaned herself with a cloth and water from the basin and dressed quickly.

When Sheldon awoke he found her lying on the deck at the bow, arm thrown over her eyes to block the steadily rising sun.

Before he could even announce his presence she said, "Lay next to me, Moonpie."

"I believe you mean 'lie next to me,'" he corrected her while lowering himself. "And I asked you not to call me Moonpie. I have a hard time believing my alternate self allowed the nickname either."

Penny smiled and finally took her arm from her face. Leaning up on her elbows she said, "A Moonpie is a kind of dessert snack where I'm from. It's sweet and yummy. My Sheldon's Meemaw calls him Moonpie because she says he's nummy nummy. I started calling him Moonpie because it riled him up and I thought it was funny." Every time he asked her not to call him Moonpie she laughed. The two really aren't all that different, she was finding out. They were most definitely two different people with different upbringings and lifestyles, but they had many core similarities, and apparently "Moonpie" was becoming a sore subject for both, much to Penny's amusement.

"Oh," he said, understanding the reasons, if not quite the description of the snack itself. "I don't particularly care for it. I'd prefer Captain, or Sheldon."

She lay back again and conceded. "Alright, Captain. For you, I'll stop using Moonpie. But when I get back home, I'm still going to call my Sheldon Moonpie."

He nodded. "As there is nothing I can do about that, I suppose it have to do."


	14. Chapter 13

A/N: I'm uploading this chapter a little earlier than I originally intended bc Alisha needs to stop being sad. She's reblogging all kinds of depressing HP stuff on Tumblr and it's making me cry.

* * *

After their breakfast they mounted their horses and once more traversed the path toward the forest.

"So who's this guy we're going to see now?" she asked after they'd left the port town. It was a bright, sunny day, so she found a tricorn hat for herself and Sheldon wore his own red wide-brimmed hat.

"He is a self-proclaimed wizard, though there is little reason for his engorged ego," he explained. "His name is Howard Wolowitz, but he calls himself Wolowizard as though it were clever. However, as obnoxious as he is, his potions and general...unsavory knowledge can sometiems be useful, hence my acquaintance with him. If he can't find us a magic bean, then it is unlikely we will find one in this area."

Penny had wondered where the creepy little perv was. He wasn't part of the crew, but Sheldon didn't ask about him when she described her version of the group. She chalked it up to Sheldon just being Sheldon and not giving a second thought to his "treasured acquaintance."

"I had hoped to avoid this avenue," he continued. "And spare you his presence, but it seems as though we are in need of his expertise. From what you've told me of the Howard Wolowitz of your realm, you likely will not be surprised."

"Oh."

They rode on through the forest for a couple more hours, only stopping once at a creek to water the horses and splash some on their flushed skin.

Another hour and they came to a small clearing with a large, two-story cottage set in the center, purple smoke billowing from the chimney. There was a sign beside the door that read _Villa de Wolowizard._

There was a hitching post beside the building and they tied their horses to it before knocking on the door.

 _"HOWARD, THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR!"_ they heard someone yell, possibly from upstairs.

 _"I KNOW, MA! I'M NOT DEAF!"_ was the response, louder because he was just behind the door. It opened and Penny found herself looking at Howard Wolowitz dressed like a cartoon Merlin in blue robes and a hat with silver stars. She just barely disguised her laughter in a slight gasp.

"I know," he said, mistaking her gasp as one of surprise. "I often elicit such a response from beautiful ladies."

"Please, Wolowitz," Sheldon interrupted, taking the attention away from Penny, who was now biting her lip to keep from laughing. "We have business to discuss."

"Captain Cooper! What an unexpected surprise. Come in, come in."

 _"WHO IS IT, HOWARD?"_ was once again yelled from upstairs.

"IT'S JUST SOME CLIENTS, MA, GO BACK TO YOUR KNITTING!" he yelled back. "Sorry about that, my mother just can't survive without me."

 _"DID YOU ASK IF THEY WANTED A REFRESHMENT AFTER THEIR LONG JOURNEY?"_

"NO, MA, I JUST INVITED THEM IN! I HADN'T GOT THAT FAR! LEAVE US ALONE!"

He waved his hand and whatever Howard's mother was about to say was cut off.

"Don't worry, it's just a silencing spell," he said over his shoulder as he walked toward the kitchen area. "Would you two like something to drink? A little snack? I've got some bread that has some dried fruit baked right in."

"No thank you, Wolowitz," Sheldon declined. "I'll get right to business. Penny, my companion here, accidentally fell through a portal, but her realm is one without magic. We need a magic bean to return her home."

Wolowitz raised an eyebrow and whistled. Sheldon twitched. "The great and fearsome pirate Captain Cooper is helping a damsel in distress? Interesting. I might know where one may find a magic bean, but it _will_ cost you."

Sheldon nodded. "I will be willing to pay whatever it takes."

"Oh, you will, will you?" he taunted. "Well, it just so happens that what I want for this information isn't of monetary value."

"Alright, you little toad," Penny finally spoke up, fist on her hip. "What do you want?"

"A kiss from the beautiful lady?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows. The look quickly turned to fear when the fist that was on Penny's hip grasped his collar like lightning.

"My fist can kiss your face or you can tell us where to get the bean."

Howard raised his hands in surrender, but then clapped and disappeared. He reappeared behind Sheldon and they both turned at the crack of air pressure.

"Alright, alright, fine," he said. "I'll tell you where you can get your magic bean. There's a woman in the first town you reach going east of here, about 3 hours' ride. I know she has at least one at all times for research purposes. All I ask in return is that you...maybe put in a good word for me?"

"Is her name Bernadette?" Penny asked, although she already knew the answer.

"How did you know?"

"It's a long story," she waved him off. "Sure, I can put in a good word for you."


	15. Chapter 14

A/N: We're on the home stretch, guys.

* * *

Sheldon and Penny continued their ride and Penny explained her handling of "Wolowizard."

"So, uh, Howard was having a _really_ tough time one day, self esteem just six feet under, right? I think it had something to do with how he always hit on me but I always turned him down, but that day I was really kinda mean to him and he just didn't bounce back from it like he always did and I felt really bad for him. So I went over to his house to apologize and I talked to him and I got him to feel better about himself and out of nowhere he leaned in for a kiss and I just - I just reacted. I punched him square in the nose. He apologized and everything was okay, but it was a really weird day for the both of us."

Sheldon was confused and it showed in the crease between his eyebrows. "Then why did you agree to 'put in a good word' for him with this Bernadette woman? It seems to me as though he is an unsavory individual that would elicit a response such as you threatened as soon as any genuine interest. He seems only interested in the superficial, if you will."

Penny shrugged. "Well, in my world I set him up with my Bernadette. So far they have a pretty adorable relationship, and she mellowed him out a lot."

Sheldon's expression cleared with understanding. "And it is your belief that this Bernadette will have the same effect on Wolowitz. One can hope, I suppose."

They reached the town and Sheldon once more became Captain Cooper; it was in the way he schooled his emotions and reactions, the way he held himself. When they were alone, he was Sheldon, but if anyone else could observe them, he was Captain Cooper. Something in her heart tugged.

Bernadette resided in a very tiny hut on the outskirts of town. There was no sign to denote who lived there, but it was exactly as Howard had described.

"It's tiny and adorable, just like her," he'd said, stars in his eyes as well as on his hat.

Penny knocked on the door this time and a short, bespectacled blonde answered, a puff of green smoke behind her. "C-can I h-help you?" she coughed, her high voice even squeakier than usual.

"Hi," Penny said. "I'm Penny and this is my..." she trailed off, not sure how she was supposed to address him in an introduction. What was he to her? Her white knight? Her swashbuckling savior? Her friend?

Sheldon saved her the trouble of deciding and introduced himself. "I am Captain Cooper of the pirate ship Enterprise. We hear you have a magic bean." Boy, right down to business with him. She almost thought he wanted to get rid of her. She wasn't sure what she thought of that.

"Oh!" Bernadette exclaimed. "Well...I do, but...I've been trying out some experiments." She waved them into the tiny one-roomed hut and offered them a seat, which they took. "I'm trying to see what makes a magic bean make a portal. It's not going well, and I've only got the one for now. The plant doesn't grow well this close to the ground; they're used to the conditions in the clouds, where the giants lived."

Penny held her breath and unconsciously grasped Sheldon's hand next to her. Bernadette went on.

"Why do you need one?"

Penny squeezed Sheldon's hand, and then having realized she grabbed it in the first place, let go. "I'm...not from here. I fell through a portal my friends made accidentally. I just wanna go home." Outwardly, she sounded sad. In truth, she was starting to lose her conviction. What was left for her in her own world? Technology and hygiene? Her dead-end job as a waitress? Her nonexistent acting career?

No, if she were being completely honest with herself, the longer she was here, the less she wanted to leave. She wouldn't have to give up her friends; even if they were slightly different, at their cores they were the same people. She could be a pirate. She already demonstrated that she could hold her own in a raid.

And Sheldon would still have her back.

He could be her Sheldon.

Sure, they wouldn't have spaghetti and cut up hot dogs, or prank wars that end with her underwear on the telephone line, or adhesive ducks, or the Nimoy Napkin...

Her little nerd herd would miss her, and her parents, sister, and brother...

Penny sighed. "I need to go home."

He found her hand again and squeezed, once again 'Sheldon' for her, despite Bernadette's presence. It made her heart clench in her chest. She'd have to leave him and return to her own Sheldon, who couldn't touch her to comfort her even after he helped her dress when injured.

Bernadette smiled and said, "Well, in that case, I think you need it more than I do. And I still have another plant in the back yard that looks promising. I just have one more question."

Penny's stomach clenched along with her heart now.

"Was it Howard Wolowitz who told you where to find me?"

She almost slumped in her seat in her relief and laughed. "Yeah, it was. How did you know?"

Bernadette smiled again. "I get some of my potions from him, and he always gives me little gifts with them. Baubles he made, or pretty things he found. He's adorable, isn't he?"

Sheldon tensed in his chair and Penny squirmed awkwardly. "Uh, sure. Adorable. Actually, Bernadette, before he gave us your address, he did want something in return."

"Oh?" she asked. "He's never asked me for any payment. What did he want?"

Penny smiled and said, "I think that's because he likes you. He wanted me to put in a good word for him."

"Really?" she grinned, eyes lighting up. "You think he likes me?"

"Oh, definitely. You should go for it. He's a good guy."

"Thanks, Penny, I'll do that! And I'll go get your magic bean so you can go home."

She exited the hut through the back door and Sheldon stood and helped Penny up with the hand he still held. "That went easier than expected, and cost us nothing. Strange, but I will not question it. The ruminations of other people have often baffled me."

Penny let go of his hand and pat his shoulder. "It's ok, Sheldon, you'll get there. Or you won't."

Bernadette stumbled through the door before Sheldon could respond. There was a leaf in her hair and she had a few scratches on her hands and face. "Sorry," she said, breathing slightly irregular. "The Venomous Tentacula in my greenhouse were playing catch with it and I had to wrestle one to get it back." Penny was confused, but thought the plant sounded familiar, while Sheldon was almost dumbfounded.

"You not only have Venomous Tentacula in a greenhouse, but you _wrestled one?_ " His voice rose an octave in his disbelief. "Are you suicidal?"

The tiny woman merely grinned and handed Penny the bean. "Oh, don't worry. I've tamed these ones. They know me and they won't hurt me, because they know that I'll uproot them and put them in tiny pots and prune them to within an inch of their lives if they do."

Sheldon continued to look at Bernadette as though she'd grown a second head, then grabbed Penny by the wrist and pulled her toward the front door. "Come, Penny. That woman is insane and I do not wish to spend another moment in her presence."

Penny had just enough time to thrust the bean in her belt pouch, right next to her dead cell phone and keys, and wave goodbye and yell, "Good luck with Howard!" before Sheldon dragged her out the door and back to their horses.

 _On the road again,_ she sung in her head.

She pulled the magic bean out of her pouch and held it in her hand. It was large for a bean, but small as far as powerful magical objects went. It was almost clear and sparkly and looked as though it were made of resin, but felt more like crystal. It wouldn't break if she dropped it, but she was careful with it nonetheless.

"So this little thing can take me home?" she said, though it came out as a question.

"Or, if planted, could make a beanstalk grow up to the clouds, if cared for properly." Even this Sheldon had stores of practically useless knowledge. "But yes, if you throw it on the ground you may traverse any realm in existence."

They were quiet for the duration of their ride back to the port.


	16. Chapter 15

Upon their return to the ship they found everyone on board, making sure they were ready to leave whenever their captain gave the order.

Penny secluded herself in Sheldon's cabin while he shouted orders up on deck.

She found herself torn between wanting to go home and wanting to stay here, so she found a quill and ink and some blank parchment and made a list.

First she wrote "Home" and "Ship" at the top, and drew a line underneath and between the words. Beneath each of them she wrote "pros" and "cons" and again underlined them.

Starting with the pros of going home she wrote:

 **-Family**  
 **-Friends  
-Technology  
-Indoor plumbing**

Under cons she wrote:

 **-Waitress  
-Failed actress  
-Relationship history**

Then she moved on to "Ship" pros.

 **-Get to be a pirate  
-Genuine respect**

She paused and a drop of ink fell on the parchment before she admitted to herself that Captain Sheldon Cooper was a big reason she'd want to stay.

 **-Sheldon**

The cons for this world were a lot easier:

 **-No indoor plumbing  
-No technology** ( _And isn't technology just so wonderful since it got you here in the first place?_ she thought bitterly)  
 **-No family**

When she looked over the list, it was clear that as magical and wonderful as this world was, it wasn't her home. She could make it so, if she were truly stuck here, but with a way home she had to leave. She couldn't bring herself to disappoint her family, and her friends really did care for her.

She could look for a better job. She could audition more aggressively. She could cut down her drinking.

She could change her lifestyle to make the cons of home into pros, but only if she went home.

One thing was for sure, though. Penny would be taking some things home with her. No one goes on vacation without bringing home souvenirs, and while this was far too distressing to truly be a vacation, the rules of travel remained.

She heard Sheldon's boots near the hatch and balled up her list and threw it in the corner, hastily putting the quill and ink back where she got them. She was sitting on the bed when he walked down the steep steps and stood when he faced her.

"Hi," she said awkwardly.

"Hello."

"I've, um-"

"When do-"

He gestured that she go first and she smiled. "I've uh, been thinking, and...as much as I like it here...as much as I like...you..." His breath hitched and he held it, waiting for the proverbial ball to drop. "I need to go home. But I'd like to take some things with me. To remember you." A short huff of laughter escaped her. "And to prove to my friends that I really was on a pirate ship."

Sheldon released his held breath slowly through his nose in an attempt to control his emotions. He knew she would leave; he just didn't know letting her go would be so difficult.

"As you wish."

He couldn't possibly know how that phrase affected her, with him dressed like that. Her heart clenched and she her breath hitched. She slowly made her way to him and wrapped her arms around his middle, but she didn't cry.

"I'll miss you."

He patted her back as he returned her hug. It reminded her of Christmas, of the hug her Sheldon had given her. "There, there. Evidently, I am not the only Sheldon in all the realms. You will still have him."

"It's not the same."

He backed away and once more donned what Penny had dubbed his pirate armor. He stood ramrod straight, arms behind his back, legs shoulder-width apart. "What is it you would like to take with you?"

She smiled. "These clothes, for one. Where I come from, people will be ridiculously jealous of someone with authentic pirate clothes. And..." Her smiled spread into a grin. "If I could take one of your outfits for Sheldon? The hat is optional, but I think he'd appreciate it."

He raised an eyebrow, but bowed his head in acquiescence. "I shall pack a bag for you."

"And," she interjected before he could walk away. "Could I have your flag?" She put on a nice pout for effect.

His resolve broke and he smiled, ducking his head in a poor attempt to hide it. "I have an old frayed one you may take, but I need the one on the mast. Once cannot very well be a pirate without a flag."

Her grin was sad. "My thoughts exactly."

A short time later Penny held a drawstring duffle bag filled with her old clothes, Sheldon's outfit, the flag, a pair of boots, and a ship in a bottle for Leonard; Sheldon's very own crimson wide-brimmed hat held in one hand, and the magic bean in the other. In the breast pocket of the leather duster she now wore was a flask for Raj and some gold coins for Howard. They were large enough that he could probably make a belt buckle out of them.

She had already thanked the crew, and hugged Mr. Hofstadter and kissed Mr. Koothrappali's cheek, much to the captain's chagrin.

Now she stood on the dock beside the Enterprise and pulled Captain Cooper down to her level by the nape of his neck and kissed him fiercely. He reciprocated with a hand in her hair and on her waist. The watching crew didn't whistle, but only because they knew better.

When they broke apart he said, "Not a day will go by that I will not think of you."

"Good," she said, looking him straight in the eye. "Find her, if you can."

"Who?"

Penny smiled. "Your version of Penny. She's out there somewhere. Find her if you can."

Then she turned and threw the bean into the water. It began to churn and swirl, much like the feelings in her stomach.

She held the image of home in her mind, and jumped.

Seconds later she was gone and the water was still once more, as though the most wonderful thing that had ever blown through Captain Sheldon Cooper's life had never existed.

But she did exist.

And he would find her.


	17. Chapter 16

A/N: This is it. It's been a blast, guys. I'll post the epilogue later. Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

* * *

Penny fell to the floor in the hallway and rolled into the door of 4A, which was odd, since Penny had clearly visualized her living room.

However, all of that flew out of her mind when she realized that she'd made it.

She was home.

Apparently the residents of 4A had heard her landing. The door opened and she fell backwards, but quickly sprang back up and dropped everything to hug her friends.

"Penny?" they both whispered in complete shock. Sheldon didn't even pull away.

"You guys will not be _lieve_ the adventure I had! Get the others here _now_ , I have so much to tell you! But Jesus I need a freakin' shower!"

She didn't even bother to pick up her things, she just dug her keys out of her belt pouch and unlocked her apartment, stripped naked, and hopped in her shower.

"Thank god for running water."

Half an hour later everyone sat around the coffee table of 4A and Penny regaled them with her tale of adventure.

Predictably, everyone was surprised that Sheldon was a pirate captain except Sheldon himself. She could tell that Leonard was upset every time she referred to him as "Captain Cooper," so she spared him the true description of his alternate self and merely said he was Sheldon's loyal first mate. Raj was content with being the ship's cook.

Howard seemed entirely too smug about Wolowizard, but was glad when he learned that even in another reality he'd found Bernadette.

Leonard had moved Penny's things to the coffee table while she was in the shower and he was infinitely curious about the contents.

"Oh! That's right!" she grinned. "I brought back souvenirs!"

She briefly went back to her apartment to grab the flash and coins and handed them to Raj and Howard respectively.

"Raj, I figured you could use a flask."

Having been silent through the entire story he opened the flask and took a sip. "Thank you, Penny. That was an amazing adventure."

"Howard, I figured you could use these for a new belt buckle that was actually cool."

"Hey!" he cried, indignant. "All of my belt buckles are cool. But you're right, these would make an awesome one."

She pulled out the ship in a bottle and gave it to Leonard. "It's actually a scale replica of the Enterprise, isn't that awesome?"

He smiled, honestly, deep in his heart, just glad that she'd brought him anything given their past and the fact that it was basically his fault she fell through the portal in the first place. "It's great, Penny. Thanks. And...I know you didn't ask, but... I'm sorry you had to go through that in the first place. There should've been a warning sign on the door, or maybe we shouldn't have even been building that machine in the first place. We were so worried you were lost forever. I still can't believe you were able to come back through a magical portal. It sounds like something out of fantasy."

Penny smiled, but it was tinged with sadness. "I forgive you, Leonard. And honestly, while it wasn't exactly the best thing that happened to me, it was defnitely not a bad experience. That being said, it better not happen again. The next dimension might not have a chivalrous pirate captain willing to go to the ends of the earth to get me home safely." She was the only one to laugh.

"Speaking of!" she abruptly changed course. "Sheldon. I convinced your alternate self to give me an outfit for you. Pants, shirt, boots, hat, the whole shebang." She pulled the items out of her pack and handed them to him, and pointed to the red hat on the table. "They didn't have any extra swords or I totally would've taken one." She dug out the flag from the bottom of the pack and spread it on the coffee table. "And this was the flag of the pirate ship Enterprise! It's mine, though, you can't have it."

Sheldon stared at the flag longingly for a moment, then turned his attention back to the clothes in his arms.

"Once I disinfect these, they will make an excellent costume for Stuart's Talk Like a Pirate Day party at the comic book store."

When they were focused on the ship in a bottle, she tapped on Sheldon's shoulder. "Can I talk to you? In my apartment?"

"Sheldon... I can't keep this to myself, but can I ask you to not tell the others unless they specifically ask?"

He nodded. "You can trust me, but I won't lie."

She nodded as well, but more to herself. "When I was...over there... I told you guys that Captain Cooper raided another ship, and that I probably saved his life from that sneaky sailor, but what I left out was...after everything was settled...he kissed me as thanks."

He reeled back in surprise, but she kept talking, unable to look at him.

"I think Captain Cooper started to fall in love with me, and...I think I started to fall for him."

For once, Doctor Sheldon Cooper was speechless.

"I don't expect anything from you, Sheldon. I just felt I needed to get it out in the open, in case things get awkward between us, I just wanted you to know why."

Another moment of silence passed with Penny still unable to look at him. Then she saw him move and assumed he was leaving, so she turned her back to him. When he turned her to face him, she gasped, and a tear she tried so hard to hold in slipped out.

He wiped it away with his thumb and rested his hand on her neck. "If he can kiss you in thanks, then surely I can as well."

Her mouth was slightly agape in surprise, so his kiss was open from the start and she felt herself falling into his arms. He smelled a little different, more baby powder and deodorant than leather and sweat, but he still tasted like mint, and he felt the same. She couldn't keep her hands to herself. One went into his short hair whlie the other gripped his shoulder.

Just as the captain did before him, Sheldon pulled away first, his breath ragged and heart pounding.

Their hands were still gripping each other, but Penny knew that if they kept that up, there'd be no going back for her. She'd probably break him.

They let go of each other simultaneously, but didn't step back.

"That was-" he cut himself off, unable to truly put words to the experience.

"Yeah."

"I would very much like to do that again."

Penny's eyes widened. "Really?"

He nodded. "But first I would like to modify our relationship status from 'friends' to 'boyfriend-girlfriend,' if that would be amenable to you. Would you like to go to Stuart's party with me?"

Her smile once again rivaled the sunset, but neither knew that the other Sheldon had thought so as well. "I would love to, Sheldon."


	18. Epilogue

It was nearing a year since Penny dropped onto his ship and into his life, dug a place in his heart, and then disappeared from his life once more, but Captain Cooper was true to his word. Not a day went by without a thought spared for her.

He tried looking for his realm's Penny, but had no luck. He was slowly giving up hope of ever finding her, and the men in his service were starting to feel his funk.

He brought them to this tavern as a peace offering, and hopefully as a way to drown his growing sorrows.

The tavern waitress sauntered over to his table.

"What can I get you boys?"

Captain Cooper followed the ample cleavage on display up to a familiar head of messy blonde hair and eyes as green as the sea. His own blue orbs widened in shock and his mouth dropped open.

"Penny."


End file.
